I've achieved a state of partially numb. If only I could deep sleep, I think I would normalize. I can sleep for 4 hours on a good night. Last night I slept 2. I wake up fully awake, but physically exhausted. Then I have fitful, dream filled sleep for the rest of the night that is the opposite of restful. I'm beginning to eat more, and that helps. It's all so very silly, what I've been going through. It's been a way of avoiding committing to my life.

I've been living precariously since Jamila died. That is likely when Peggy's cancer started. Our marriage was deeply troubled when she got pregnant, and we recommitted and were really coming together. Then Jamila was born and died, and Peggy and I grew more distant from each other. Now she's dead, and I still can't get on with my life.

I continue to avoid getting up and doing what must be done. I'm only achieving the minimum to maintain, and I'm squandering the opportunities to live with purpose and meaning. I'm writing this now in hopes of inspiring myself to get on with it. Pick a task and focus on it. Make lists and do the activities on the list.

Since Jamila died, I have been defining myself in terms of other people, what I am to them. Before that, I would hike into the mountains alone, walk for hours alone with my own thoughts and feelings. I was secure in myself, too secure in fact, and have poor relationship skills. I lack the ability to commit. Now I dread being alone, and seek out meaningless interactions with anybody to avoid myself, but also to try and find myself. I'll tell my story to anyone. I was learning how to commit and to love, but now that's gone and I have to take the lessons and find a way to try again. In the meantime, I must make lists, and stick to them.

Fear is the strongest link of the strongest chain that holds me down.