Grief

I have a deeper appreciation of the experience called grief. I can't describe the experience I went through after Peggy died. Denial was a part of it, and grief delayed hits harder when it hits. My judgement during Peggy's illness and after her death was questionable. I did not face up to grief, and I paid emotionally for it. I got pretty unstable last Thanksgiving, and went through many months of mental instability. I wouldn't change what I did, but it did make it harder. I'm much more stable than I was, but my Dad's death in early November did dredge up old feelings. This time, I knew it was not good that I felt numb about it, and I finally was able to cry about it. I think about him every day now, and am sad for the loss. We weren't that close, but I still miss him dearly. I try to face the loss head on.

My experience will help me process the next death I experience. My Father said that life went in three stages, graduations, weddings, and funerals. I still have many of both to experience.

Now, I'm flat, and lacking inspiration. I'm not writing, barely playing music, not much interests me. I'm not depressed that I notice, just flat. And what was once a really big deal, doesn't much matter so much anymore. Except when it does.