Christmas luster

I used to enjoy this holiday season. Peggy and I made a big deal out of holidays. Decorating, baking, visiting friends and family, doing activities. One year we wrote and performed a puppet show.

Now I don't feel the inspiration or excitement about any of it. Her death is now a part of this season. The kids being older also removes the magic.

I'm trying to find meaning and activities to raise the spirit and honor traditions. We have a decorated tree. We put some lights up outside. The lights are a big part of the meaning of this season. It is the dark and cold time of year, and the lights are a way of expressing hopes and dreams. The giving of gifts is about reflecting on the people in my life and showing love and understanding. Baking is about fattening up for the winter cold.

This time last year I was intensely depressed, literally out of my mind with grief and loss and a broken heart. I'm not fragmented like I was last year, but still I am dealing with depression. I find myself unmotivated and uninterested, but I refuse to stay here. I will pick activities and make myself do them until I find interest.

If your holiday cannot be happy, may it be tolerable.