Empty Bare Rolls

I cannot sleep, and in 7 hours I'll be on a plane to Canada. I'm waiting for Lisa to get here. It'll be better when she's here. I have things to tell her.

Letting go

I just returned from the airport where I waved goodbye to my daughter. She turns 18 this month, and she and her boyfriend are taking a trip to visit family. I'm feeling a mix of pride and sorrow. I remember when she was young, and I quit the excessive drinking so I could be there for her, and we bonded. Tap dance lessons, and art classes, and birthday parties, holidays and all these moments of joy and sorrow. She's told me she loves me, she's screamed she hates me, she's asked me for advice, she's told me to fuck off. Now I get to find out what kind of relationship I'll have with my adult daughter.

It's not completely new. I went through something similiar with my stepdaughter. But since I didn't meet her until she was 10, I don't also have the memories of infancy, and toddler years. Ah, but I did see her go through puberty, and what a wild ride was that. She's turned into a magnificent woman and I'm honored she thinks of me as family.

I'm a river of deep sorrow and joy.

Life is great again

I have this incredibly wonderful new friend. I have a romantic interest that might develop. I'm feeling confident and interested. I'm not smoking. I'm still moving slow from surgery, but that's ok. There's something dramatrically wrong with my computer. Likely malware, but it could be something wrong with the system files. I think I'll take it in rather than mess with it.

No longer obsessing. At peace with my regret.

french press

This morning I knocked the french press to the floor and it shattered. Another symbol of goodbye?