Christmas luster

I used to enjoy this holiday season. Peggy and I made a big deal out of holidays. Decorating, baking, visiting friends and family, doing activities. One year we wrote and performed a puppet show.

Now I don't feel the inspiration or excitement about any of it. Her death is now a part of this season. The kids being older also removes the magic.

I'm trying to find meaning and activities to raise the spirit and honor traditions. We have a decorated tree. We put some lights up outside. The lights are a big part of the meaning of this season. It is the dark and cold time of year, and the lights are a way of expressing hopes and dreams. The giving of gifts is about reflecting on the people in my life and showing love and understanding. Baking is about fattening up for the winter cold.

This time last year I was intensely depressed, literally out of my mind with grief and loss and a broken heart. I'm not fragmented like I was last year, but still I am dealing with depression. I find myself unmotivated and uninterested, but I refuse to stay here. I will pick activities and make myself do them until I find interest.

If your holiday cannot be happy, may it be tolerable.

Grief

I have a deeper appreciation of the experience called grief. I can't describe the experience I went through after Peggy died. Denial was a part of it, and grief delayed hits harder when it hits. My judgement during Peggy's illness and after her death was questionable. I did not face up to grief, and I paid emotionally for it. I got pretty unstable last Thanksgiving, and went through many months of mental instability. I wouldn't change what I did, but it did make it harder. I'm much more stable than I was, but my Dad's death in early November did dredge up old feelings. This time, I knew it was not good that I felt numb about it, and I finally was able to cry about it. I think about him every day now, and am sad for the loss. We weren't that close, but I still miss him dearly. I try to face the loss head on.

My experience will help me process the next death I experience. My Father said that life went in three stages, graduations, weddings, and funerals. I still have many of both to experience.

Now, I'm flat, and lacking inspiration. I'm not writing, barely playing music, not much interests me. I'm not depressed that I notice, just flat. And what was once a really big deal, doesn't much matter so much anymore. Except when it does.