I'm not this extreme

but I relate very much to this essay:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/paranoia.html

It's been a while since I've had a persistent episode, and it's hard to remember what it feels like when it's not happening. It totally sucks. I always have to wade through my own thinking to have confidence that I'm thinking clearly enough to make a sound decision. Quitting psychedelics was one of the best things I've ever accomplished.

I've been reading his site, and identified with this to a disturbing degree:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/voices.html

And here is another I really enjoyed:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/reality.html

I especially related to this quote:

What upset me was the realization that despite my best efforts to maintain a firm grounding in reality, I knew that even perfectly sane people could be fooled into killing themselves quite enthusiastically. I knew that I could be fooled too, if I wasn't careful.

It is for this very reason that I'm so rabidly opposed to things I perceive as superstition. I had some friends who got deep into the Rajneesh thing. No thank you.

Good quote

"How you feel is how you feel regardless of the evidence." Annette Simmons

Somewhere I read and took to heart that feelings are always valid. The above quote is a great way to refer to the same phenomenon.

Squanderer

I'm not doing much with my life. I could be, but I'm not. Even attempting to write this I get the urge to wander off. That could be nicotine cravings. I'm on day 3 of my latest attempt. I think I'll actually make it this time. There seems to be a different strain of intention in me. My relationship if forcing me to confront my resistance to life's mundane tasks. I'm not an ambitious person. I'm unlikely to get more ambitious. But perhaps I can get more ambitious and accomplish something. I do have dreams and goals, but I seem to lack the drive to work on them. If I could get more sleep, I think I'd have more energy in the evenings to accomplish things. Last night, I got home, nagged the kid to do homework, paced around, went to the store to buy enough stuff for one dinner and a few extra things, made the dinner, mostly cleaned up, continued to nag about the homework. He didn't finish in time to go to the pool. I lack consistency in my approach to guiding him, but I'm trying to get a steady, reasonable routine going. I think I really need to direct both of us into a much more rigorous routine. So I'm trying.

I've been mostly mentally stable. I'm trying to cultivate a creative drive, forcing myself to write even though I don't have some compelling thoughts. I've got two songs going, and their both pretty much crap as far as I can tell. It's hard to judge without the inspired state. I don't know what to call it. When I'm in that other frame of mind, or perhaps unframed mind, I know things. I try to get as much of a song done in that state as I can, because if I have it mostly finished, I can complete it later. But if I don't get enough down, when I look at it when I've come down from the otherlyness I don't recall the ideas that were so clear to me when I started. Now I'm trying to write without that altered frame of mind, and it's much more difficult. I've written decent material that way before, and now I'll learn to do it again. A good song written fast is not worth being mentally unbalanced.