lessons learned

I read through the last few posts here. I realize that the imbalance that drove me to write this blog was driven by grief. My mental health issues are almost entirely the result of psychedelic drug use in my teenage and young adult years. I've long since quit, but I had years of mental instability afterward. After Peggy died, and the other thing happened, I experienced grief and depression. I confused this with a relapse of my schizophrenic like symptoms caused by the psychedelic drug use. There is some family history of mental illness, so I do have a genetic risk factor, and therefor a propensity for mental instability, but all in all, I'm fairly balanced and stable. Grief is powerful stuff. Depression is life threatening. I hope that I'm immune to it now, because I NEVER want to feel that way again. Compassion for sorrow I wish to feel every minute of every day, but not depression. When my next need to grieve comes along, I will embrace it, acknowledge it, feel it, talk about it, and do whatever else it takes to process it so it doesn't turn to depression.

fermenting

I've become a vodka jello jiggler. My only action is reaction to vibration of other entities. I jiggle when juggled by insistent requests for response. Ok, that's not completely true. I have mowed the lawn a few times and wrote 3 new songs. But my level of motivation and inspiration can't bend a blade of grass. The sails of my soul lay flaccid against the mast in the emotional ocean doldrums. How will I find my way out of this calm glassy-eyed bare minimum doings? This is not helping.

Changes

I'm surrounded by sorrow I no longer feel. My own state has stabilized and I'm weathering things adequately.

I'm not this extreme

but I relate very much to this essay:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/paranoia.html

It's been a while since I've had a persistent episode, and it's hard to remember what it feels like when it's not happening. It totally sucks. I always have to wade through my own thinking to have confidence that I'm thinking clearly enough to make a sound decision. Quitting psychedelics was one of the best things I've ever accomplished.

I've been reading his site, and identified with this to a disturbing degree:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/voices.html

And here is another I really enjoyed:

http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/reality.html

I especially related to this quote:

What upset me was the realization that despite my best efforts to maintain a firm grounding in reality, I knew that even perfectly sane people could be fooled into killing themselves quite enthusiastically. I knew that I could be fooled too, if I wasn't careful.

It is for this very reason that I'm so rabidly opposed to things I perceive as superstition. I had some friends who got deep into the Rajneesh thing. No thank you.

Good quote

"How you feel is how you feel regardless of the evidence." Annette Simmons

Somewhere I read and took to heart that feelings are always valid. The above quote is a great way to refer to the same phenomenon.

Squanderer

I'm not doing much with my life. I could be, but I'm not. Even attempting to write this I get the urge to wander off. That could be nicotine cravings. I'm on day 3 of my latest attempt. I think I'll actually make it this time. There seems to be a different strain of intention in me. My relationship if forcing me to confront my resistance to life's mundane tasks. I'm not an ambitious person. I'm unlikely to get more ambitious. But perhaps I can get more ambitious and accomplish something. I do have dreams and goals, but I seem to lack the drive to work on them. If I could get more sleep, I think I'd have more energy in the evenings to accomplish things. Last night, I got home, nagged the kid to do homework, paced around, went to the store to buy enough stuff for one dinner and a few extra things, made the dinner, mostly cleaned up, continued to nag about the homework. He didn't finish in time to go to the pool. I lack consistency in my approach to guiding him, but I'm trying to get a steady, reasonable routine going. I think I really need to direct both of us into a much more rigorous routine. So I'm trying.

I've been mostly mentally stable. I'm trying to cultivate a creative drive, forcing myself to write even though I don't have some compelling thoughts. I've got two songs going, and their both pretty much crap as far as I can tell. It's hard to judge without the inspired state. I don't know what to call it. When I'm in that other frame of mind, or perhaps unframed mind, I know things. I try to get as much of a song done in that state as I can, because if I have it mostly finished, I can complete it later. But if I don't get enough down, when I look at it when I've come down from the otherlyness I don't recall the ideas that were so clear to me when I started. Now I'm trying to write without that altered frame of mind, and it's much more difficult. I've written decent material that way before, and now I'll learn to do it again. A good song written fast is not worth being mentally unbalanced.

Christmas luster

I used to enjoy this holiday season. Peggy and I made a big deal out of holidays. Decorating, baking, visiting friends and family, doing activities. One year we wrote and performed a puppet show.

Now I don't feel the inspiration or excitement about any of it. Her death is now a part of this season. The kids being older also removes the magic.

I'm trying to find meaning and activities to raise the spirit and honor traditions. We have a decorated tree. We put some lights up outside. The lights are a big part of the meaning of this season. It is the dark and cold time of year, and the lights are a way of expressing hopes and dreams. The giving of gifts is about reflecting on the people in my life and showing love and understanding. Baking is about fattening up for the winter cold.

This time last year I was intensely depressed, literally out of my mind with grief and loss and a broken heart. I'm not fragmented like I was last year, but still I am dealing with depression. I find myself unmotivated and uninterested, but I refuse to stay here. I will pick activities and make myself do them until I find interest.

If your holiday cannot be happy, may it be tolerable.

Grief

I have a deeper appreciation of the experience called grief. I can't describe the experience I went through after Peggy died. Denial was a part of it, and grief delayed hits harder when it hits. My judgement during Peggy's illness and after her death was questionable. I did not face up to grief, and I paid emotionally for it. I got pretty unstable last Thanksgiving, and went through many months of mental instability. I wouldn't change what I did, but it did make it harder. I'm much more stable than I was, but my Dad's death in early November did dredge up old feelings. This time, I knew it was not good that I felt numb about it, and I finally was able to cry about it. I think about him every day now, and am sad for the loss. We weren't that close, but I still miss him dearly. I try to face the loss head on.

My experience will help me process the next death I experience. My Father said that life went in three stages, graduations, weddings, and funerals. I still have many of both to experience.

Now, I'm flat, and lacking inspiration. I'm not writing, barely playing music, not much interests me. I'm not depressed that I notice, just flat. And what was once a really big deal, doesn't much matter so much anymore. Except when it does.