This Coldplay song made me cry

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go but
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I
Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

therapeutic spewing

I'm going through the motions of being. There is little spirit behind it. Time will keep passing, things will get done, and someday it will all be a sad memory. Right now, it is still a burning tightness in my chest. I want to drill a hole into it and let out the pressure. I want to bang my head to stop the thoughts. Instead, I talk, I write, I do chores, I exercise, I take pills. Anything to shut my mind off. None of it works, all of it helps. Twenty two hours of driving over the holidays gave me way too much time to think and feel, and the thought trains are still barreling down the tracks of my pysche. I've lost faith in all aspects of my self. Until I can find it again, I'm looking for numb nothingness.

I haven't looked at myspace in weeks. I won't anymore.

It's good to have family

And people who care and try their best to understand you. When you're lost, they can help you find who you are.

"It's hard to leave all these memories behind"

Somehow I will let go. I hope it don't take an axe; I'd prefer a gentle unwinding.

12/26
What was I saying. You've already swung the axe. I'd best get over the denial.

Once the darkest night is past

Although the days will start to get longer, the coldest times are yet ahead. Hold on to hope, because the light will return, pain becomes memories, memories become lessons, and love is a root that never dies, no matter how dormant it may seem. It will spring forth even better than before, but eternally different.

And the sap will unfreeze and flow forth.

It's almost 4 years, and you're still not done.

You wrote this: "how pathetic do you have to be to plead for a dead person not to leave you." It's why I was pleading for you.

You also wrote: " this one time see, i was myself and he loved her. and now it's all over. none of this matters, but it is the whole world. i say it was a good fit. he never even knew how good i fit it was. "

That's not true. I did know, I do know, and I do see the beauty of your scars. Between being stuck in my own repressed grief, and my hangups about the big taboo and all that, I couldn't let myself go. It's not over, it's changed, and it will all change again. Stages. Performers. You can be a million people, but there's only one you and that's who you will end up being no matter how long you resist. Sometimes you are, and sometimes you think you are. You do know the name of every link...but it still doesn't free you.

I miss you.

How will I ever find peace

I'm torn. Life has so much sorrow. Right now, there are youth who are being abused, beaten, raped, neglected. They are starving themselves, puking on purpose, cutting themselves, seeking validation through unhealthy sex, escaping with drugs, ending up in mental hospitals, killing themselves. They act out, and get in trouble, and our response as a society is to discipline them and write them off. The worst of us abuse them further with absurd notions of how to deal with them. The best of us try to reach out, but we're mostly powerless to do anything. We try to give them direction and hope, and then we hope they survive long enough to find something to give their life meaning and purpose. But they're forever scarred. One such youth told me she's glad that her life was what it was, and it was a life of terrible events she barely survived, because it kept her from being shallow. Is this the best we can hope for for our troubled youth? Can we not focus more of our time and resources on caring for each other?

What do we focus on instead? Big screen TV's, nice houses, fancy cars, soda, sports, fear factor. How much money does America spend on soda each day? How much do we spend on youth intervention programs? We retreat into our own lives, lives of consumption, we live and let die. And I do the same. The list of toys I want to own is long and pointless. But what else is there to do?

I'm torn. I want to do something meaningful, something that alleviates suffering. At the same time I want to experience the pleasures of wealth and flesh. I am a catcher in the rye watching as some survive and some go over the cliff, and doing little about any of it.

So I will continue to do the work of spiritual awakening. I will seek strength, both rigidity and and resiliencey, as Buddha taught. I do not yet know what path I will choose. I still hold onto the dream of being a working perfomer and surrendering to the world of distraction, but I also ponder devoting the rest of my life to some form of intervention work.

"This is a lonely life, sorrow is everywhere you turn/yes that is worth something now that is worth some money" Paul Simon

Healing happens

Last night, well early this morning actually, I dreamed about me and my son being together, and we were close and it was good. I'm slowly letting go, and beginning the next stage of my life.

Waking up

This year last time, I was on 24 death watch. I watched a strong, amazing woman, the mother of my children, wither to a skeleton with skin. January 2nd will be one year since her death. Maybe that's why I've been a bit crazy huh?

You really are great

Thanks for being so gentle and kind with me. I hope it's really all over. It is so AWFUL to be out of control like that.

Apology

I'm sorry to my soul. I really didn't understand how my choices, my actions were affecting you. You tried to tell me, but I didn't listen. I hope someday you come to accept that they were human mistakes. I was insecure too, and making choices from fear and trying to pretend I wasn't. I'm still making mistakes, but I'm trying hard to learn.

Another good song

The Heart of the MatterDon Henley / The End of the Innocence

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more ?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age ?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you, life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

Song that expresses my state

http://www.danfogelberg.com/lyricssouvenirs.html

Part Of The Plan

I have these moments all steady and strong
I'm feeling so holy and humble
The next thing I know I'm all worried and weak
And I feel myself starting to crumble
The meanings get lost and the teachings get tossed
And you don't know what you're going to do next
You wait for the sun but it never quite comes
Some kind of message comes through to you
Some kind of message comes through
And it says to you...
(Chorus)

Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must
That's a part of the plan
Await your arrival with simple survival
And one day we'll all understand
One day we'll all understand
One day we'll all understand
I had a woman who gave me her soul
But I wasn't ready to take it
Her heart was so fragile and heavy to hold She is so young and I am so old
And I was afraid I might break it I didn't believe we could make it
Your conscience awakes and you see your mistakes
And you wish someone would buy your confessions
The days miss their mark and the night gets so dark
And some kind of message comes through to you
Some kind of message shoots through --
And it says to you...
(Chorus)
There is no Eden or Heavenly gates
That you're gonna make it to one day
But all of the answers you seek can be found
In the dreams that you dream on the way

Wounds do not heal

I know what it is to want to claw your face off. Physical wounds give definition to pyschic pain.