Family wisdom

It's best if schizophrenics are atheists.

Performance tomorrow night

Three days, no meds. Dreamed of performing. Practiced long and hard last night. At first, I was playing poorly, but by the end was sounding pretty good. Excited about tomorrow night. Hope people don't mind the slow sad songs. My head is still whole and quiet, and for that I'm grateful. If I can get some decent sleep tonight, that would be fantastic. I just need one more line and I'll have another song finished. Won't be able to record because I have to practice through the PA tonight and tomorrow. It's going to be fun if all goes ok. I think I'll get some dark sunglasses because I don't like making eye contact when I perform.

Music is medicine

Five hours, with pleasant dreams. No meds for 2 days. Been writing, playing, and recording. Posted a new song. The voices in my head have stopped. I'm feeling normal and hoping it holds. Got to quit smoking, but it's very grounding. Yesterday, I was able to read a biology book for almost 2 hours, and I retained what I read. All the exercise, vitamins, healthy food, no coffee, no alcohol, journaling and counselling seems to have helped. Got to keep it up, because I'm still at risk.

Consciousness is chemical

No drugs, and hoping to stay off them. I awoke after 5 hours to yet another dream. But it's seems to be changing. Last night, as I fell asleep, the voices in my head returned were the old innocuous ones, coaxing me to laugh. The dream had a theme of coming near the end. I recorded my new song many times last night, and the last try is probably good enough to post. I'll find out tonight. Then I hope to work on my other new song.

A new record

Wow, 6 straight hours with no dreams. Now if I can do it without meds, I might be a normal person again. My mind is still split, but it's not so overwhelming. With guided imagery I can shut it off for periods of time. I actually reigned it in and wrote a song start to finish last night. Jasmine said it's got some of my best lines ever, but I think she was just being nice. After Dustin fell asleep and I couldn't, I spent an hour trying to fix the ground problem in my guitar, and then I recorded it 8 or 9 times. It's not ready to post, but hopefully I'll get a chance to try again tonight. I may have also finished the song I've been working on for over a month. It's not exactly what I wanted to happen, but art is abandoned, so I may go with it. We'll see how the end of today goes when the drugs wear off. The empty space where the voices talk is still there, but I appreciate the silence.

How long can the days go on

progress?

I poked another hole in my belt. I have cool underwear, but I don't like them to show. Not sleeping prevents unwanted dreams. Haven't yet figured out how to induce wanted dreams.

What to expect from dead people

• When you come home, they’re not there


• They don’t bring home groceries or help with dinner


• No help with the kids’ homework, scheduling appointments or driving


• The laundry piles up unless you wash it, it stays in the basket unless you fold it and put it away


• Apparently being deceased eliminates the ability to operate a vacuum cleaner


• Conversation is extremely one sided


• If unlike me you’re lucky, they might visit you in your dreams


• No back, shoulder, or foot rubs


• When you wake up in the middle of the night hugging something, it’s either a pillow, a wad of blankets, or yourself


• Pictures don’t suffice

It was the pharms

When I stop, I can create, but I can't function.

anger management pisses me off

addicted to adrenalin
attitude there is no sin
ever see the state you're in
you suck

inflated sense of self importance
others are your obstacles
the world of wimps in manacles
they all deserve your ridicule
you suck

your unhealthy obsession
for seeking out aggression
it's time to learn this lesson
you suck

Where is Justice, the remedy, the cure?

Can't we all Rodney King
Who will teach the world to sing
loaves and fishes all you can eat
share the world I have a dream
then comes you who doesn't care
your dream is a nightmare
resources short so you won't share
times are hard you don't care
win or lose and life ain't fair
you suck

us and them either or
the few the many serfs and lords
rulers soldiers thieves and whores
you suck

wickedness is your world view
why must we share this life with you
the only real problem is human attitude
there's plenty of space and ample food
if only there weren't people like you

beaters and bashers violent crooks
liars and looters embezzlers cooking the books
rapists and hate crimes loan sharks with hooks
you suck

tragedy of circumstance
we can understand
hurricane or falling rock
a part of natures plan
but war and hunger
are tragedies of man
caused by choice

Now do I become one of those you ridicule?
a bleeding heart
is still a heart

to those who suck
fuck you

Really hoping this is it

Well, other than needing new pants and a belt, I think I've survived. But that could be the pharms talking.

Not Fade Away

"You might be able to grieve forever, but you can't weep that long, so after a while I wiped away the tears...and got myself turned around and back on the road..." George Gastin, VIA Jim Dodge.

Perhaps the difference between being young and old, unencumbered and responsible is: I can't retreat into a drug induced stupor until it passes. Damn.

Oh blessed seroquel

What will I do when you are gone?

dreams

For the most part, I can redirect my waking thoughts, though with much effort. Now if I could just stop having such upsetting dreams...

Time and nourishing behavior

I came back to work after being gone for the holidays. Nobody had watered the plants, and they're looking a bit droopy. I watered and fed them and watered them again. I realized that it will be a while before they get healthy again, and it's possible some of them won't make it. I have to resist the temptation to over water them, and give them time to heal.

I'm like those plants right now, and I'm trying to water and feed myself, and it's going to take me time.

I've achieved a state of partially numb. If only I could deep sleep, I think I would normalize. I can sleep for 4 hours on a good night. Last night I slept 2. I wake up fully awake, but physically exhausted. Then I have fitful, dream filled sleep for the rest of the night that is the opposite of restful. I'm beginning to eat more, and that helps. It's all so very silly, what I've been going through. It's been a way of avoiding committing to my life.

I've been living precariously since Jamila died. That is likely when Peggy's cancer started. Our marriage was deeply troubled when she got pregnant, and we recommitted and were really coming together. Then Jamila was born and died, and Peggy and I grew more distant from each other. Now she's dead, and I still can't get on with my life.

I continue to avoid getting up and doing what must be done. I'm only achieving the minimum to maintain, and I'm squandering the opportunities to live with purpose and meaning. I'm writing this now in hopes of inspiring myself to get on with it. Pick a task and focus on it. Make lists and do the activities on the list.

Since Jamila died, I have been defining myself in terms of other people, what I am to them. Before that, I would hike into the mountains alone, walk for hours alone with my own thoughts and feelings. I was secure in myself, too secure in fact, and have poor relationship skills. I lack the ability to commit. Now I dread being alone, and seek out meaningless interactions with anybody to avoid myself, but also to try and find myself. I'll tell my story to anyone. I was learning how to commit and to love, but now that's gone and I have to take the lessons and find a way to try again. In the meantime, I must make lists, and stick to them.

Fear is the strongest link of the strongest chain that holds me down.

still sad

I'm still sad, but each day I'm a little stronger. Knowing you won't call anymore helps. I'm trying to keep busy until enough time has passed. I have no idea what will be possible then. I try hard not to think about it.

A Tom Petty Song

She wore faded jeans, and soft black leather
She had eyes so blue, they looked like weather
When she needed me, I wasn't around
That's the way it goes
It'll all work out

There were times apart, there were time together
I was pledged to her, for worse or better
When it mattered most, I let her down
That's the way it goes
It'll all work out

It'll all work out eventually
Better off with him than here with me

It'll all work out eventually
Maybe better with him, than here with me

Now the wind is high, and the rain is heavy
And the water's rising in the levy
Still I think of her when the sun goes down
It never goes away, but it all works out