Rain comes, mood lifts

Maybe it's nicotine withdrawls, but I was in bad shape yesterday. Shaking, depressed, paranoid thinking. Today, after finishing my latest flip it off post, I'm feeling quite cheery, and I noticed it's started raining. Coincidence?

Lost my necklace

Yesterday, I discovered the pendant of my necklace had come unscrewed and fell off. It may have happened while I was mowing the lawn, it may have happened while at the kinetic sculpture race. It happened before but I found it. This time I don't know. I got really bummed and wasn't sure I wanted to go on for a while. Now I'm still really sad, but it might still turn up. I'm hoping to borrow a metal detector and sweep the yard, if I can find somebody who owns one. If I don't, well, maybe it's time to let them both go.

Previous post

That is weird. I remember writing it, but I sure don't know why, other than lack of sleep. Right before writing it, I heavily sedated myself in hopes of sleep. I slept, but with crazy crazy dreams, one of which I unfortunately remember and will never tell in hopes it goes away. I'm much more stable today. I have got to learn to put myself to bed and stay in it without chemical assistance. I'm building too much resistance, and that leads to dependency. Insufficient sleep puts me at risk, but addiction would be even worse. I think whatever it was has passed. I feel completely normal again today.

dangling wires

The world has receded. The distance between where I reside and what surrounds me has grown and it all comes in as echos. I respond hours to days later when the sender no longer is on the line and no longer cares and likely doesn't remember. The air is thick and viscous and resists my every motion emotion demotion locomotion in search of some concoction to shut it off like if I close my eyes long and hard enough maybe I'll open them to a sensible self that seems more like the flesh instead of stuffed mumbling animal shells. Sometimes I swear I see the strings and the hand on the handle. I'm tangled in the dangling wires of my disconnect

The boredom of stability

"No one pays to hear your happiness"

Stability makes for better life, but imbalance makes for better posts. I'm exhausted. Experiencing severe sleeplessness, but last night I was able to force myself to shut down for a while. Perhaps I'm addicted to my issues. What would I be without them? Will I engage in reckless behavior to bring another onset? I think I'll stick to healthy activities, and keep working on goals.

New iPOD

My son bought my iPOD nano due to is newly increased interest in music. I went and got a 30 gig to satisfy my addiction. It's charging now and the iTunes software is installing. I'll load all the music I have here on it. Tonight we'll be bleaching hair and updating our iPODS. Great father/son activities. Tomorrow night, hopefully we'll get his mohawk dyed green again, but I also have rehearsal, so we'll see how the time goes. We had yet another good time last night. After a sit down dinner and chores and cleanup, we went to the pool. We do this thing where we hold onto each other, count to 3 and jump in together. We chased each other around. He's decided he wants a drum lesson after all. I hope he gets into it. Tonight after he's in bed, I'm going to play scrabble with my friend from high school. I hope she doesn't cry when I squash her :)

Surrendering to domestic activities is the best thing I can do, and I'm grateful I seem to be doing it. I feel in control of my self again, and really want it to last. But last night I had another major attack of insomnia, absolutely could not shut myself down. Listened to music over and over to internalize the songs I'm learning. Finally resorted to chemically induced sleep. An running on a few hours of sleep and afterglow of drugs. But I'm doing ok. Now time to play with the iPOD.

Joys of parenting

Wanting to support my son's increased interest in music, I acquired for him the Green Day CD, American Idiot. I have now heard the first track so many times, I can play the song. I've almost got all the words memorized. I've heard the other tracks, but not nearly not even close not even in the same ball park as American Idiot. Over and over and over. I'm just glad he's past the Destiny's Child phase, and the Brittany Spears interest. If only I could get him to like Rage Against the Machine, or Audio Slave. The Shins are not even a possibility.

We played Simpson's Clue, (he doesn't get that two people clue isn't very challenging), Monopoly Jr, and a few rounds of the matching game which he usually stomps me at, but I won one round tonight. Then we looked at a search and find powerpuff girls book. That's my boy. New life plan: stay home always, never go out.

Two in a row

Shift is holding. I'm tired today in a normal way. Was up late last night working on a new song. Still writing on the same theme, and probably will be for awhile. I'm hoping to write some more story songs, but don't even have an idea let alone any inspiration. It always seem to come. Attending some performances, and reading some good fiction would likely help. Maybe I'll bop over to the library and look for something to read. Last book I got there was Not Fade Away by Jim Dodge. That was fun read. Would like to find some good Sci Fi, but I'll probably settle for a murder mystery.

A turn

Last night I dreamed a new kind of dream. In the dream, I was confident and knew what to do to solve the problem. There's been some shift in me that feels more permanant than the constant shifting that I do. Passing time will reveal if it's real, but even if it's only for today, it's a welcome change. Why is it often that when my mood lifts, it's a foggy day? I've always loved the fog (except when I'm driving).

It is time for compassion for self. If these wings will hold, I will learn to soar.

I'm a fraud

I had one brief period of grief stricken instability, and now I'm all about it. How self-centered silly can I be. There is nothing wrong with me other than lack of ambition, and in an exploited world, maybe that's not a bad thing. And I have lots of ambition to alleviate suffering, if only for a few, if only by listening.

Went to a graduation party last night for someone who was a baby when I met them. The babies I knew are leaving college. I'm just a dude in the background, fading into the past, and happy about it.

This phrase has been repeated to me for many years, far too many times to even venture a guess: "You think too much." I think it might be true.

I miss you.

Wit failed me

I got a call today. I was informed Peggy was chosen to be honored with an award. The woman wanted to know how to get in touch with her. There was much I could've said. After a painful, awkward pause, I said simply, "she's dead." The rest of the conversation was unremarkably formula.

"Someday, there'll be a cure for pain
That's the day
I'll throw my drugs away"

Trying to make this song my own

I'm alright
by Louden Wainwright III

Woke up this morning, and I didn't feel that bad
last night was definitely not one of the worst I ever had,
ate some dinner,
drank a few drinks,
didn't miss you baby, no matter what you think,
went back to my hotel room, went straight to bed,
I did not moan, I did not cry, I did not wish I was dead
I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright without you.

Woke up this morning and I didn't have the blues,
So I pulled on my tube socks, laced up my running shoes,
went to the reservoir to jog a mile or two
I didn't think about our love and I wasn't missing you,
went back to the hotel room,
I took a few phone calls,
clean sheets on a made up bed,
and art works on the walls

I'm alright, I'm alright without you.

I woke up this afternoon, and I sat up in my bed,
There was a gnawing in my gut and a pounding in my head,
So I went to the bathroom, to the medicine chest,
there was razor blades and sleeping pills and all the rest,
but I was in control baby, I was so relaxed,
I found my self my dental floss, my favorite kind unwaxed !

I'm alright without you.....