April is a dark month

I'll be glad to see April end. May is not much better. Springs can be wound so tight that they are dangerous. They unwind and release their energy like a bullet. Nothing, nobody can be trusted. It all can turn without warning, with no apparant cause. What seems positive to most is macabre when seen through the chained mind. I can't stand the rattling, the incessant rattling. May the chemical year plugs blot it all out long enough for this infernal season to end. Nothing happened, nothing changed on the outside. Suddenly the river filled with blood and the sky rained frogs, frogs made of sunlight. Why are blue and green such ugly colors? Why do birds sing such grating mockeries? Why are trees covered with blossom disease? I didn't write this. None of this happened. You're not reading this. I don't exist.

Desire and Doubt

I'm stuck between them. My heart is heavier than I am, so I've removed it and put it aside. I'm not sure where I've put it, and I'm not sure if I want to find it. There is noone and nothing to guide me. I have to decide, dammit.

4+ days

Chewing some nicotine gum right now. Working hard on my number 1 priority.

Spring time with all it's blossoming possibilities and happiness, may its brightness penetrate the dark places. I'm way too skilled a liar.

If only

I'm tempted to write all the things I wish I could tell you here, because I'm guessing every once in a while you look. But I'll stick to the spiral bound notebook, and soon I'll start another.

I've been stable for weeks now. I'm 2 days without a cigarette. Last night I slept long, and had an incredibly interesting dream about Peggy, she was following me and watching over me or something. I feel like I'm a big fake and a liar, that I'm not crazy at all.

What comes next is the really tricky part. Maybe this time I won't blow it.

Hey cowgirl, you're awesome. Thanks for helping me off the ground and back on the path. What I can do for you I will, as little as it is.

I'm going to bed and I do believe I will sleep, real sleep, not that kind where I close my eyes, open them and it's 5 hours later. The kind where I go through all the cycles and wake up wanting to be breathing.

Wow

I absolutely cannot remember the last time I felt this happy. Thank you.

until the pill kicks in

I had a mild episode today. No big deal, but my head took off for a while and bombarded me with things I didn't want to think about. Writing a long letter to a friend brought me down. But now I'm all hyped up again. Waiting for the atavan to kick in. Had an interesting music experience. An extremely talented singer is interested in collaborating with me. Looks like she's going to do some songs with me on Friday at Old Town Coffee and Chocolates.

I really hope I can quiet my mind down again. I was doing so good. But I had to lance the boil and the flow of emotional pus was deeper than I thought. But I will continue to heal, to let go, to move on. I have much to do this week, so that will help. Playing music tonight was great. I've got some songs to learn by Wednesday so we can practice one more time, well actually a first time since I didn't know some of the songs. It'll be great. She's awesome.

Ok, I've posted something. I'm going to try and drift into dreamless sleep.

cycles

In "For Whom the Bell Tolls" Hemingway describes the tension between two characters as a merry-go-round that turns, rises to a slant, and falls back to where it began. My feelings for you haven't changed, they cycle through a series of truths and return to where they began.

Nothing to say

But someone to say it for. I'm posting this because you post, and it would seem a shame for you to have nothing to read when I have something to read. And that's what you have to read here, nothing, because I have nothing to say. My computer seems to be working much better now that all the viruses have been found a removed. I'm pretty flat at the moment, and other than missing the creative energy, and what you referred to as the awareness, I prefer flat. Much better than low. I think perhaps I'm tapped out on it all. Had a nice time at the pool, but I really have to quit smoking. It's killing me, and I want to live again. Ok, now I'm getting dramatic. Well there, that's enough nothing to read. Be well.

Passing time

Until sleep finds me. The nicotine withdrawls are intense. I see that the strikeout html tag is not working, so I'll have to rename this blog again soon. Each day I grow stronger, and am leaving the depths of sorrow. I don't know if I'm wiser, but I'll keep trying to maintain awareness. I really want to get back to the flip it off project, and I'm beginning to have creative energy again. I've made progress at home, and intend to keep focusing on that mostly. This weekend was scattered, but good. I've got to get active on the Relay for Life work. Posters to make, calls to make, emails to send, practicing for the show. Still need to book at least one more. I think this My RFL page? is the link to my RFL page. Please consider donating. Or come to my show at Old Town Coffee and Chocolates on April 21st at 7pm, enjoy my songs, and make a donation there.

tee hee hee

A Limerick:
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Translation:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

more fun like this at: http://www.ma.utexas.edu/users/mgonzale/bromas/jokes_math/jokes_math.html

An evening of success

We actually all 4 sat down at a clean dinner table and ate together. I even wrote it on the calendar. We more adult like participants negotiated a plan to move towards doing it again, and changing other behaviors to make things a little better round here. This is part of the second item on my list of 2 most important things from the previous post. Not doing so good on the first, but going to try again starting now.

The kitchen is straightened up considerably. Still needs a serious cleaning, and it will happen. I will find what it takes to make this dedication last. I will maintain intention of attention to suspension of quality lowering activities and engage in quality enhancing use of manifested matter in the time-space continuum.

I hope somebody has as much fun reading this as I have writing it.

wired and unfocused

I spent an hour in the kitchen just washing dishes and wiping the counter, and it's still a mess. Tried to keep going, but I couldn't stay settled. I don't know how I'll sleep tonight, but if I don't at least try, tomorrow will be worse than today. Did great with kids though. Had a couple of extra ones, and I managed it with grace and style. That's something. Three times today I hit the wall trying to walk through doorways, and twice I fell. Kept dropping things and completely losing my train of thought. Somehow, I was still helpful to people. Work is the best part of my life. I'm sure this will pass. The manic phases never last very long. I guess I'll go read because I'm writing nothing of merit. I'm enjoying The Tao of Physics, even if I don't understand all of it. Dance Shiva dance.